


I can't find my breath, can we just say the rest with no sound?

by booksteaandcake



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Almost Sex, Cutesy, Declarations Of Love, Feelings, First Kiss, Fluff, Kissing, M/M, Mashton, Nerves, No Sex, One Shot, Panic Attack, Passion, Sexual Tension, Tension, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, but they get close to it, drabble but not really, first time nerves, gentle teasing, virgin!michael
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-05-29 03:18:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6356773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/booksteaandcake/pseuds/booksteaandcake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>**Title - Good to you by Marianas Trench</p><p>Michael is scared to admit he is in love, but that's all Ashton wants to hear. </p><p>That's a rubbish summary. They love each other but both are too afraid to admit it, and they almost have sex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I can't find my breath, can we just say the rest with no sound?

**Author's Note:**

> Procrastinating from Love Me for no particular reason. 
> 
> This isn't very good, just a short little one shot I wrote on the spot ^-^ 
> 
> ***Trigger warning: this story features a panic attack

He’s so close. Ashton is so close to Michael and he doesn’t know what to do. He’s managed to keep everything in check for so long, he’s been able to keep the thoughts about the older boy at bay and he has been able to stop himself from doing the things he really wants to… but now, Ash is standing right there. So close that the heat of his body is radiating, spreading warmth from Michael’s head to his toes and coursing through his veins. He can feel Ashton’s breath on his lips. 

 

“Do you want to kiss me, Michael?” Ashton asks, his voice a whisper. 

 

_ So close _ . 

 

Slowly, shakily exhaling, Michael nods his bright blue head. He watches as Ashton’s cheeks dimple, the corners of his lips twitching upward into a smile. He leans closer, speaking pretty much into the younger boy’s neck. 

 

“You have to ask.” 

 

His lips are so close to Michael’s skin, so close to gently suckling there and leaving a bruise, leaving a love bite to show where he’s been. Their hands are almost touching, fingertips brushing, until Ashton lifts his hand and uses it to stroke Michael’s too long fringe back from his eyes. 

 

“I…” Michael tries, but he is never any good at this. He never knows what to ask for, he never wants to ask. He never wants to admit to the truth - the truth being that he really fucking loves Ashton and he wants nothing more than to feel their lips pressed together, their bodies moving into one, the two of them, one being and one heart and one soul. 

 

“It’s so easy, Michael.” Ashton murmurs, the words vibrating up the other boy’s neck. “Just ask.”

 

“I want… please-” he breaks off again, shaking his head and going to move away from Ashton because he can’t contain himself anymore and it’s driving him crazy. 

 

Ash won’t let it rest now though, because he wants it so badly too, he reaches out and grips onto Michael’s wrist, turning him to face him.

 

_ “I want you to kiss me, Ashton.”  _ He demonstrates, “ _ Please kiss me, Ashton. _ ” 

 

Then he pulls Michael back in, and in one swift movement he has him pinned against the wall. It’s not at all aggressive, but it still snatches Mikey’s breath away from him and he has to gasp heavily. 

 

“I…” Michael tries again, but he shakes his head. “ _ Can’t _ .” 

 

_ “I love you, Ashton.”  _ Ashton continues in a teasing voice but there is also desperation hidden in amongst the taunt because he really wants to hear those words, too. “It’s so easy to say.”

 

“S’not.” Michael pushes back, and he kind of wants to make a break for it and leave the room, getting out before his heart is swelling so much that it explodes from his chest but then again… he has never had an opportunity this good. Ashton wants it too. “It isn’t easy.”

 

“Why?” Ashton pushes, and then all of a sudden his hands are slowly roaming across the younger boy’s chest and then down to the hem of his T-shirt, he wants to pull it off, that much is clear. He won’t do it though, not until Michael gives in to his thoughts and feelings. “Is it because… is it because it would actually  _ mean  _ something?”

 

“Of course not.” Michael snaps back maybe a little too fast and then Ash actually looks slightly hurt and he feels guilty. “...I don’t know.”

 

Returning his lips to the pale skin of Mikey’s neck, Ashton let’s his mouth tease the younger boy as he exhales his words, “You don’t know if you want me to kiss you,” he murmurs, “Or if you… if you love me?”

 

“ _ I don’t know _ .”

 

Feeling slightly impatient and on edge (he never expected it would take him this long) Ashton properly drops his lips to gently suck on Michael’s neck, at a place that can easily be hidden by a shirt even if the one he is wearing now leaves it bare. Hearing Michael moan in pleasure, in delight at the feeling, he smiles into it.

 

“Just ask me.” Ashton insists when he is satisfied with the purpley mark he has left patterning Michael’s skin and he steps back to admire it. 

 

“Please kiss me.” Michael gasps out in a rush because his head is starting to feel dizzy and he’s lightheaded and the only thing he can think of to actually keep him sane is to feel those beautiful soft lips against his own. 

 

Ashton is more than happy to oblige. His long fingers lock into Michael’s blue tufts of hair and he rather aggressively tilts his head and crushes their lips together. It feels right, like dance partners who have been just that for their whole lifetimes, even if their noses knock into one another quite a bit and Ashton’s breath tastes rather strongly of beer, those small things seem  _ right _ . Allowing the older boy to continue taking control, Michael can feel the force coming on Ashton’s part as his tongue works inside Michael’s mouth and the way his face is being held seems just right. Together, they move as one perfect step, one perfect beat to a song, a perfect melody harmonising together to make what some would call porn for the ears. Eventually they have to come apart for breath and they stare what some would definitely call too deeply into one another’s eyes. Michael gingerly reaches up a hand, his fingers are trembling because the nerves in his body are all standing on edge, and he strokes a curl of hair away from Ashton’s face. 

 

“That was easy, right?” Ashton breathes, and Michael just nods, feeling slightly stunned. 

 

And then they are kissing all over again, with passion and heat that makes their faces turn red, their hearts are pounding like they are racing with one another to get to the finish line. Then Michael is pushing at Ashton, getting off of the wall and instead his hands are fumbling at the buttons of the older boy’s shirt. When it’s undone, Ash shrugs it off of his shoulders and then he is clawing at Michael’s shirt too, tearing it over his head making his blue hair stand on end and they both giggle underneath their breaths. 

 

“Are you not going to make me say it?” Michael asks with a small smile, watching Ashton’s face closely as he is fiddling with Michael’s belt. 

 

“We don’t need words.” Ashton replies quickly, “We just need the presence of love.”

 

“Gay.” Michael throws back teasingly, and his grin widens. 

 

“I know you are but what am I?” Ashton says childishly. 

 

Michael pushes his pants down, and he is standing there in front of Ashton naked and he is nervous, trembling with nerves in fact, but that doesn’t stop the wave of pleasure he gets as he watches Ashton. Ashton’s eyes are looking at him, his body but also his face, right into his eyes. For once, Michael isn’t finding it difficult to believe somebody loves him because  _ nobody  _ has ever looked at him like that. 

 

“Also gay.” He replies with a very low chuckle. 

 

Stripping down himself, Ashton then walks closer to the younger boy again and there are no clothes between them, there’s nothing. Just their bodies and their beating hearts. Michael threads his hand into Ashton’s hair, it’s soft and silky, and Ashton presses his palms to either side of Luke’s face, cupping his cheeks. They kiss again, and it feels like fire on their lips. 

 

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Ashton asks, and he speaks gently but with a hidden stern tone too. 

 

Michael nods. He really, really wants to. 

 

“Okay.” Ashton says softly, and then he turns and walks over to the chest of drawers beside his bed and he comes out with a condom and some lube, and he turns back round to face Michael with a gaze sweet like honey. 

 

Inhaling and exhaling deeply, deeply, deeply… Michael makes his way over to the bed and his legs are shaking slightly and there is a burning feeling in the pit of his stomach as he positions himself on the bed. He wants to do this, he does, but… for some reason his breaths are quickening and it’s not a pleasant feeling anymore. He is beginning to sweat and he feels like his head is going to burst and like he is about to throw up.  _ Hyperventilating,  _ he thinks to himself,  _ for fuck’s sake Michael. Now’s not the time for a panic attack.  _

 

He tries to calm himself down, hoping that maybe if he manages to soothe himself that Ashton won’t notice because if he does then he might be disappointed because now they are ready but it is too late. Ashton has definitely noticed, he is there at Michael’s side on his knees on the bed. His hands suddenly feel ice cold to the touch as he gently places them on the younger boy’s shoulders. Suddenly everything is too loud, Mikey’s head fills like it is filled with white noise, but then gradually Ashton’s soothing words manage to cut through it all. 

 

“Mikey, it’s okay. I’m right here. It’s me. It’s Ash.” 

 

_ In, 2 3, out, 2, 3…  _

 

“It’s okay. It’s me. I’m here with you, Mikey. Calm down, it’s all okay.” 

 

Eventually, Michael’s nerves manage to calm down. He starts to relax and his breaths return to even but he is still shaking slightly and he’s cold. Curling in on himself, he presses his head into the pillows and all he can think about is how much of an idiot he must look. He must look so stupid. 

 

“Hey, baby, what happened?” Ashton is asking, and he sounds worried and frantic, and he quickly pulls a blanket across Michael’s body, covering his modesty and making him feel warmer. 

 

“Oh.” Michael says, his voice quaking as he shakes his head. “I’m sorry. I..”

 

“You had a panic attack.” Ashton tells him, “Don’t apologise. Is it something I did, Mikey?” 

 

He sounds so worried, so  _ guilty,  _ and it makes Michael’s heart ache. He smiles thinly and shakes his head. 

 

“No… never anything you do, Ash.” He whispers, and then he is about to say what he thinks started it but he doesn’t want to look pathetic. He is worried that Ashton will laugh at him or judge him or get annoyed because he was ready. But then he remembers how the older boy was looking at him just a few moments ago - with so much  _ love,  _ and he knows that Ashton would never react that way. He isn’t looking at Ashton, he has his face turned into the pillow as he says out loud, “I’m a virgin.”

 

There’s a long silence. 

 

“Oh.” Ashton says after a while, a soft and gentle sound with understanding, but then he frowns. “What about Tyler?”

 

“I lied.” Michael admits, feeling ashamed as the cold taking over his body is replaced all over again and a heat of shame and embarrassment floods to his face.

 

He sits up then, and he leans against the headboard of the bed and keeping the blanket over him, he pulls his knees up to his chest and finally meets Ashton’s eyes. As usual, they bring him a warm sense of comfort. 

 

“Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t ready?”

 

“I thought I was.” Michael admits, shrugging his shoulders. “And.. and I really wanted to be, I wanted to be with you right  _ now _ .”

 

Ashton smiles, a small smile that barely dimples but there is more happiness and love in his eyes than ever before. He strokes a hand across Michael’s cheek. 

 

“You are with me right now.”

 

“Yeah but… I’m sorry. I ruined it.”

 

“Shh.” Ashton stops him, and he leans down and pulls on his sweatpants before returning to the bed, and he nestles in beside Michael under the blanket. “You haven’t ruined anything.” 

 

“Well… to be fair, we were having a very sexy and passionate moment.” Michael considers out loud, “Like,  _ movie  _ style sexy.”

 

Laughing out loud, Ashton places an arm around Mikey’s shoulders and pulls him into him. 

 

“There will be other times for that, Michael. When you are  _ ready _ .”

 

“Okay.” Michael agrees gently, and then he closes his eyes and Ashton places a kiss on the younger boy’s head. 

 

It’s only when Ashton is so close to drifting off into sleep, he’s pretty certain he is about to start dreaming when he hears Michael speak again. His voice is trembling and quiet and shy, like he is telling a secret that’s not his to tell. 

 

“I love you.”

 

Ashton keeps his eyes shut, it’s too dark now to see one another anyway, but he feels more awake than ever all at once because his heart is back to racing and his blood is rushing and his head is buzzing. He has wanted to hear those words for such a long time.

  
“I love you too.” He whispers. 


End file.
